Thursday, 25 February 2010
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When Are You Too Old To Sponge Off Of Mom & Dad?
In an advice column on CNNMoney.com, a reader writes in about her two sons. In their late 20s and with good jobs, they STILL sponge off their parents. Whenever these two guys go out with their parents, they automatically expect Mom and Dad to pay. Even for things like popcorn at the movies! The Dad is fed up with it but the Mom doesn't mind.
I completely agree with the columnist on this one. It's not like these two guys are struggling at all. In fact, it sounds like they're doing pretty well for themselves. So there's no excuse for them to assume their parents will always pay. I understand that parents may want to pay and treat their kids occasionally, but these guys are way beyond time for allowances.
I have to admit, grown adults sponging off their parents really gets under my skin. To me, it doesn't matter whether the "adult" is just lazy and won't get a job or if their successful and employed but are just used to Mom and Dad paying. In the first instance, the lazy son or daughter needs to get up off their butts and grow up. In the second instant, it's a sign the person also needs to do some growing up.
Granted, my perspective on this is informed by situations in my own life. I have a couple of much older brothers, one is totally the lazy kid who is uncomfortable being a leech and another is the "successful" son who still sponges off them heavily. The "successful" one in particular drives me crazy because his salary was 5 times the national average, but he was so irresponsible with money that he still regularly asked my retired (and struggling) parents for money. And my mom would never be able to say no to one of her kids. As a result, I ended up being the complete opposite. I treat my parents whenever I'm with them. I don't like to have them pull out their wallet if they're with me. They do insist on paying for some small things, but in general, I like to pay for them. It's actually an impulse I have to control now that I'm in school again and not working anymore.
So for me, once someone is in their mid 20s, they really need to stop sponging off their parents. Now, it's alright for Mom and Dad to treat once in awhile, but it DEFINITELY shouldn't be an assumption that they'll pay just because they're the parents. Now, there may be some extenuating circumstances that throws that guideline out the window and I get that people genuinely fall on hard times and need some help. I get that and don't fault them for it. But if someone is just lazy , or worse, just spoiled, it needs to stop by the mid 20s.
What do you think? What's a cut-off age for sponging off your parents? Or is there a cut-off? Should parents always be expected to pay?
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- From: Cara
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Comments (136)
If the kids have the finances, they should pay when the family goes out. It's a gesture of saying "thank you for always providing for me when I was younger. let me return the kindness."
My parents have been helping me with bills while I get settled in from moving out of home/living in a new city/going to a new school. I haven't found a job yet and so it would have been impossible to do all of this without their help. My brother is 30 this year and he too gets occasional help from my parents because he's had a hard time. Even my mom gets help from my grandma occasionally for bigger ticket items. I don't think there is a cut off for getting money help from family. You can't always support yourself as much as you'd want to or at the time you need it most and if someone close to you has the ability to help then why shouldn't they?
My parents gave 'gifts', but did not respond pleasantly to 'sponging'. I don't remember him ever telling me there was a cutoff date, but it seemed that as soon as I finished college, I was on my own. He actually gave me the number for public services when I was 22, with instructions to get information.
I'm in my 50s, now. My own children, ages 11 and 16, have been told that once they leave home, they are considered adults. If they have the maturity to make their own decisions, then they have the maturity to deal with the consequences.
I earned myself a full ride for college and took out a loan to pay for medical school tuition despite the fact that my parents COULD have paid for it all. but I didn't want to put that kind of financial stress on them. However, I still borrow a couple k for living costs from time to time =/. Sometimes you just need a little help to make it through.
i think this depends very much on circumstance. probably moreso than age.
for example, i think a 35 year old who was doing well but lost their job, home, car and got into horrible debt living with mom and dad until they got back on their feet is acceptable, where as an 18 year old who isn't going to school or even bothering to look for a job is not.
Agreed w/ @soyeahthatswhathappened@xanga
Everyone's circumstance is different but it sounds like the two boys are doing fine without additional support.
mid 20s. if ANYONE after 30 is smooching off their parents, that is flat out shameful. They may have lost their jobs.. but if ppl with poor parents can get by without their parents help, so can the ppl with rich parents.
@symmys02@xanga - I agree wholeheartedly.
In this case, it's the parents fault. HEAR ME OUT FIRST!! The minute their kids got into making enough money to live off of, they should have turned off the funds. By continuing to give, they have become accustom to it. treating once in a while is one thing. My cousin had a boyfriend like that. Because she made more money, she mostly paid for everything & that guy was not hurting for cash.
In other cases, there's other circumstances to consider, especially now with the state of the economy. I pay my bills & stuff but my mom assists me with some big things because I'm struggling with school & being between jobs because I've been sick off & on the past 3 years. It's not serious but it's very frustrating because it's the same things on top of my vocal disorder so it makes things difficult but I persevere. I'm not one of those parasite kids that never let go. Ironically I was going to strike out on my own before things got bad but my mom told me to stay home. I'm glad I listened.
All in all, it's different if you're trying to do something with your life or genuinely need help versus a slacker who just acts like a leech.
@symmys02@xanga - that's true. I dont have alot but when I do some something to spare, I treat my mom to stuff even though she says there's no need. I'm glad she's addicted to fraps! I get those often for us. heehee!
I'm 20, have my own apt, work for minimum wage 15 hrs/week, and I am in school full time which is paid for by loans. It's a long story but I've had a lot happen this past year financially that left me no choice but to sponge off my mom. I pay all my own bills (for the most part) but a lot of people took advantage of my naivety which resulted in me losing lots of money (long story, just someone stole a lot of money from me and been unable to serve him, also: car troubles). My mom helped me, and it cost her a lot to do so. I feel really bad reading this, I never meant to sponge off her or ask her for money, but I guess feeling guilty for owing your mom money is better than being homeless.
when you're over 50 *lol*
i'm 18 and a college freshman but my mom and i have a weird relationship when it comes to money. i go to a state school and she pays for half of my tuition and aside from that i'm totally on my own. but then a lot of the time i end up giving her money despite the fact that i'm only employed fulltime as a maintenance worker for three and a half months outta the year. so for the most part i'm financially independent and once i graduate college i plan on getting my own place and taking care of all my own expenses (most of which i already do). i remember when i was growing up there was this creepy guy i knew who was in his 60s, had never held a job, and still lived with his mother who cooked and cleaned for him like he was a little kid... shit like that pisses me off/ creeps me out
Yeah, when you're in your mid 20's and you have a job, you need to gtfo.
The nuclear household dynamic is done. The baby boomers need to understand this and be alright with raising the grandkids as their kids work as they give back social security or they will get a shot in the arm. Sorry grandma but bankers are mean and got their man in the whitehouse.
I'm completely clueless, and I sort of read the title as "Sponge Off" as in to give a sponge bath too. Haha.
I'm.. not legally an adult yet, but I don't really sponge off my mum that much. I live in a different city than her, so she puts money in my bank account to pay for things after I do certain chores.
I occasionally borrow/never repay like $10 from my dad when I'm at his house and about to go out to the movies, but I consider it fair money because I do plenty of dishes, take care of the cat poop, and knit him washcloths (yes, it is as strange as it sounds). I try not to ask for it when I have the money though.
When I'm 18, I plan to be pretty much independent from my parents. College will be hard to manage financially, but that's why I'm saving up now!
i hope you don't consider 21 an adult, because i'm certainly not successful, and definitely still live at home.
i personally think it's after high school or so if the kid is not doing anything to get a job & not going to school. i would definately help my kid out if they were away at college or at least showing me they were responsible in some way of making their own money. i absolutely hate leeching off my mom, always asking her for money to go out to the movies or dinner with friends, i'm in the process looking for my own job cause making money is awesome. =]
sygma_notation@xanga
^ idk where you live or how much your rent is or anything, so i may not be one to judge, but it sounds strange that you support yourself & can maintain your own apartment making minimum wage werking 15 hours a week, i made 8.50/hr busting my ass for 40hrs a week, & i only brought home 270 a week at the most, which really isn't enough to live anywhere except with my mom.
I'm 19 and married but every time we go home (the military has stationed us about 1200 miles from home), they won't even CONSIDER letting us pay for anything if they're around. We always politely refuse, but we've learned that they just love spending money on us when they can because they feel like they're hardly part of our lives and they want to show us how much they love us. Strange, I know, but they've kind of always been this way. And they learned it from my grandparents, as I'm sure I'll learn it from them.. Lol. I love my family. [:
totally agree with you. why are adult kids such moochers?
If your making lots of money, then there's no reason to rely on your parents for money. If you can't manage how to spend your money, then you might want to find someone to help you learn to manage your money.
I'm in my early 20s and I still live at home, but that's because I still go to school. I admit I do rely on parents on some things, mainly basic things like food, but that's about it. If I want to go out, buy things or whatever then it comes out of my pocket and not theirs.
@wonderland7386@xanga - And your parents are going to be able to use the phrase "my daughter the surgeon" for the rest of their lives. . .That ought to be worth at least a few K a year.
Seriously, I'm sure they are very proud, and very happy to contribute. What could possibly make them feel more useful and happier? . .
I agree with you, 20 is the limit i think..
How about my 25 year old brother in law, unemployed for 2 years, not even trying, just leeching off his dad? Yeah. Can we poison him yet?