Wednesday, 03 February 2010
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Does Splitting the Check Make You a Cheapskate?
A lot of etiquette tips tend to raise my hackles. It's not because I like being rude or anything, but I feel like so much of the advice given is completely outdated and irrelevant to my life. For example, I suppose hostess gifts are a nice thing for older people who actually host dinner parties, but they don't fit in at all with the ways I hang out with my friends.
One topic in particular always seems to elicit tips that are particularly unhelpful: dining out. Most of the etiquette classics recommend either rotating who picks up the check among friends, or, if you must split the check, split it evenly among the all the parties. I've always been careful about what I order and don't drink alcohol, so my portion of bills is always significantly less than everyone else's. Following the classic rules would just negate my attempts to watch my budget. Not to mention it doesn't seem fair to make me pay for someone else's meal unless I want to, friend or not.
I'm lucky in that all my friends are in similar positions, so no one thinks it's rude for me to suggest we only pay for what we actually order. But it's made me wonder two things: Does anyone actually think it's bad form these days to split a check? And would someone sacrifice their budget just to abide by rules of etiquette and avoid looking gauche?
My guess was that most people would answer "No" to both of these questions these days, but I found some quotes online that have proven me wrong.
NYMag: "What’s the best way to split the check in a group?"
"At a group meal, an equal split should be the baseline expectation: It falls to those who ordered more-expensive dishes to offer to pay more, not to others to pay less. Failure to partake in the appetizers or the wine can be cited as a reason to cut one’s contribution only if there was some socially sanctioned reason for declining (veganism, Islam, pregnancy). If you just got the soup and you don’t think that’s fair, well, think about whether it’s “fair” to make your friends eat dinner with a buzz-killing cheapskate."
So I have to have a "socially-sanctioned" reason not to pay for things I don't eat, otherwise I'm a "buzz-killing cheapskate"? And a lot of people on this Chowhound topic found worrying about how the bill was split "petty".
This is a small sample of the responses you'll find just by Googling this topic. Many, many people apparently find it tacky still to even consider splitting the bill in anyway besides evenly. In fact, a lot of commenters admitted to paying more than they expected or wanted to because everyone expected an even split. They preferred paying more to rocking the boat among their friends.
But I wanted to open it up to you all for some feedback. Am I in the minority on splitting the check? Maybe it's just me, but I feel like any good friends would understand your desire or need to just pay your share and wouldn't make a fuss about it. So how about it, putting aside any issues about ease of splitting the check for servers or among your group,...
Is it bad etiquette to split a check? Would you put following proper etiquette ahead of your budget?
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- From: Cara
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Comments (135)
I wanna meet and dine with the guy who wrote that crap. & I will be getting 2 plates of the most expensive thing on the menu. What an idiot.
I'm a high school student and I absolutely think that it's FAIR to pay for what you eat and only what you eat unless you want to pay for a friend. I mean, if that's "proper etiquette" then screw it, my budget (what budget? :[ ) comes first.
I've never split a check equally, have always paid for what I've ordered or gotten separate checks to begin with.
I've never dined in a group that split the check equally - we always pay for what we eat.
i usually pay for what i order and not share/order an appetizer. too much trouble.
nope, maybe it's 'cause I'm still in high school and nobody wants to pay for another unless its a really good friend/ owed someone
my friends and i often go out for prix fixe meals in nyc, which means it's the same price for everyone for a 3-course meal. then we split it evenly. but if there's a larger discrepancy in what people ordered (greater than $5 difference i'd say), then it's totally fine to only pay for what you ate.
When I go out with friends, we ALWAYS pay for what we eat. If we get appetizers, we always split it evenly. If my entree was $10 and my friend's was $20, I wouldn't find it real fair if I had to pay $15+tip and vice versa. It's not always about being cheap either. Some people would much rather eat chicken than lobster.
The only time I could see the check being split evenly (still a bit iffy on it) is if friends go to a restaurant where they serve "family style" portions, where everyone just eats a bit of everything.
We usually try to order around the same price when we split. NO ONE get's free with me. If you're ordering something expensive, then I'm doing it too. haha.
I think its ok to split if everyones bill is close. If one person orders a a burger and another person orders foie gras, caviar, and champagne, the other person shouldnt have to subsidize the other person. It would be very rude for that person to expect another person to have to throw down more money.
I usually go with paying for what I eat right now, as I'm a poor grad student.
However, my parents can't stand it when they go out with people who quibble over every single item on a dinner bill, pretty much for all the reasons stated in the NY Times article you quoted. One couple actually annoyed them so much they started going out with them less, because they were basically "buzz-killing cheapskates" I can see their point - unless the difference is monumental, it's a lot less hassle to just split the check evenly, especially if everything on the menu is close in price and everyone eats close to the same amount. When I finally have a full time job and can afford to be less concerned about money, I think the even split approach makes sense.
Would I put proper etiquette above my budget? Not necessarily, but if my funds are so tight that I HAVE to order the cheapest thing on the menu and freak out over every penny I spend, I probably shouldn't be going out to eat, since it's much cheaper to cook for myself. If everyone in the group I was with preferred splitting the
check evenly, I would either go along with it, or not go. It wouldn't
be right to go, be pissy and miserable about how we were paying the
bill, and then spoil everyone else's good time. If I can't go with the
flow, I stay home.
As for check splitting being bad etiquette, I think that depends on the crowd you're dining with.
It depends on how many people. If you have 10 people, you should split evenly, with someone throwing in a little more if they ordered something more expensive. But you're not to sit there and calculate every person's order.
I always split the check when I dine out with my friends. we're all on a budget. if it is out on a date, then he pays this time and I'll pay the next time and we switch. it isn't being a cheapskate, it is being practical. if he insists on paying most of the time, then he is welcomed to, just don't get mad at me later and say that I was using him.
Well, my asian parents fight over who pays the bill.
If I go out with pals, we usually get separate checks, unless it's understood beforehand that someone's "treating". Then there's no problems and no butt-hurtedness over who ate what and pays what. Only sticky situation there is appetizers, but even then it's pretty much considered a "community contribution".
So it's not considered bad manners to assume your friends will pay for your food? That's crap. Pay for your own food.
Splitting a check with a girl on the first date (instead of paying for her) is a complete no-no. What you do after or outside of that situation it doesn't matter. I hate assholes who ask girls out on dates but don't pay. Ugh.
inform the waitress you will need seperate bills therefore eliminating the need to split anything.
My friends and I always split according to what we ate. We each pay for the part of the bill that we actually ordered/ate of ourselves. We commonly eat at a place where we all get the same meal, but we still split up the drink prices according to who ordered a drink versus water. On occasion, if one person wants to pay by credit card, and we only got one bill for all of us, we let that person pay and everyone else pays them back with their cash. Sometimes we ask the waitress to split the bill for us, if more than one person wants to pay by credit. Depends on the restaurant for that one. The only time friends or I might pay for each other's meals would be if it was just two of us together, without a big group.
I've never considered any of this at all against etiquette, though I suppose it makes sense that it's an etiquette rule. I probably won't ever follow that unless in some sort of business or work related dinner. With my friends, likely never.
I think either splitting it evenly or just paying for what YOU ate to be both acceptable and fair. If I was expecting only to pay for what I had ordered, but then found that everyone wanted an even split, I would do it...once. And then from then on I would mention it before we even got to the restaurant that I really didn't have the budget for an even split. If they didn't want to do that, I would just politely say thanks, but no thanks, to eating out.
If you're good friends with each other, why should you worry so much about rocking the boat? Your friends should understand if you don't have the money, and good friends will probably be more inclined to go ahead and just decide to pay for what you order.
I would find it insulting, however, if we were splitting things up evenly every time, and one person was unhappy about it and waited until they just couldn't stand it anymore and blew up about it or something randomly. And, I would only find this insulting because I would be upset that a friend of mine would think so poorly of me and the others that they wouldn't think we'd understand and let it get to such a point where the lid blows off the kettle. Seriously, friends shouldn't have to stress so much about these things.
Because, seriously, what is the huge deal? I think its far more rude of a group of friends to expect someone to pay outside of their budget just to make everyone else happy.
Man, The bill is the worst. When one person pays it all up, everyone else is in guilt. When everyone pays equal, someones bound to be in discontent. Why can't we all just pay our fair share? hhah i sound like a politician. Why can't we all just get along.Why must we be so properly etiquetizeD, humans make things so complicated :I
I declare, whoever objects to paying for their own dish is cheap!
Most meals I go to (apart from those with my close friends), we end up splitting the bill equally and I have to be honest it drives me insane. I'm a vegetarian and I don't drink alcohol, in fact I don't drink much of anything - I usually get 1 drink which lasts the whole meal. I then watch people ordering huge steaks and bottles of wine - I always feel stingey bringing the topic up but come to think of it, why should we pay for other people's monster meals?!
After eating out with different people for over 10 years, I've learned a few things: You should always pay for your food and never assume there will be freebies. But the way you handle it depends on who you hang out with. Really good friends don't make a big deal about +/- a couple of dollars. Maybe this time we'll buy but next time we go out on a double/triple date, they'll buy. If we are in a large group, we're all responsible enough to pay for whatever you consume. I think it's perfectly fine to just pay for your own meal/beverages. I rarely drink so it would be pretty unfair for me to chip in on a friend's 3 cocktails while I had soda with free refills. If you are out with people you know are out to take advantage of others, you get a separate check if possible. In any case, having cash is better using cards because it cuts out the confusion for everyone and the cashier tendering the payments. Anyone who repeatedly refuses to pay his/her proper amount, who no longer be invited. But like mostly everyone said, it's wrong for someone not to pay for his/her meal!
splitting it evenly is so annoying and stupid. its always the people who get stake and a smoothie with like 3 refills, then dessert for dinner that insist on splitting the bill evenly. i always want to pay what i bought. it makes sense.
I think a person should pay for whatever they ordered rather than splitting it evenly when eating in groups. But if you did like a family style dinner then I suppose it's more okay. I'm a college student and all my friends are too so none of us have enough $$$ to treat anyone. I mean if it's just two of us, I don't mind treating but any more I don't think so haha
I don't usually eat out unless my family makes me, but if I were in the situation, I would get separate checks. I'm a vegetarian, and often times I find myself ordering from the kid's menu because of that. So, my meals are usually less than ten dollars. If I did order something more expensive, I would find it completely rude to just assume my friends would pay for me.